Chemo Round 1: Days 1-6

Day 1

The actual getting chemo part was not too bad, although I was told I wouldn't feel any side effects for a few days. Not true. When we got home I felt completely drained and started to feel a little nauseous. I took an anti-nausea melt tab that was prescribed to me which begs the question, "Why would they make a flavored tab for anti-nausea especially cherry?" It was horrible. I was able to eat a little bit of dinner, but the chemo they give me messes with tastes buds and make everything taste really bad. Fortunately I was able to taste apples and they were delicious, so I had noodles with barely any spaghetti sauce and apples for dinner.

I have to go get the bone pain shot tomorrow and get my arm swelling drained. Yay for me. As Lux says I am a "rough and tough girl". I am worried though because I already feel side effects like feeling flu-ish and nauseated. I am really hoping it won't be like this for the next 6 months. On a positive note, the prayers and good thoughts totally worked; last night and today I felt pretty calm and wasn't really nervous. 1 down, only 5 more to go.

Day 3

Not as good as day 2. I slept for 12 hours, and I managed to get up take a shower, get dressed and get back in bed. The first part of my day was a fog of being dazed and confused and feeling very weak. I have been taking anti-nausea medicine like clockwork so happy to report still no problems with that. The bone pain from the neulasta shot also has not been that bad, I haven't even needed a pain reliever for it yet so that's good.

The emotional pain of this has not been so good. Even though I am grateful that my side effects have not been as bad as I expected, I still feel very out of it, afraid that the side effects are going to get worse as they pump me full of more "medicine", and I really don't like feeling this way. I can't explain what it is but I just do not feel well or right. It's only just begun and I am already trying to find a way out of this chemo stuff, even though I know it is the only path of action I have right now. I said I would post good or bad, and while it's kind of good because I haven't had to experience extreme side-effects, it's kind of emotionally bad for me because I feel like I am in a waking dream of feeling confused, numb, disoriented and kind of blue.

Day 5

I went in Tuesday for lab work, I guess to see how I am responding to chemo. Side effects have been manageable, kind of body pain, stopped taking anti-nausea medicine yesterday so that has all been ok. My brain fog is still there, not as bad but I still don't feel normal which I guess I won't for a really long time. The depression has been really bad. I don't know if it is because it's all come to a head and is very real now, if it's the drugs or all of the above but I have been in an emotional hell. The mornings are the worst because I wake up groggy and remember, "Oh crap, I have cancer." Then the fear, anger and sadness start. I don't know if this is going to get easier or worse, but it makes me dread my next chemo session.

I just want my life to be normal again. I am trying to find that optimistic girl who was ready to take this on without fear, but she seems to have gone into hiding. I am not as sad as I was the past few days but I still definitely feel a gray cloud over my head. Sorry to be a bummer and I wish I had some amazing inspirational thing to say but I've got nothing right now. I wish to be healed very quickly and very easily, so those of you who are praying for me please pray for a quick return to my health and to get my life back and to get over this emotional toll this is putting on me. Thank you. 

Day 6

Perhaps because it is MLK day, the spirit of the day and everything that he stood for has instilled me with hope. My fog has finally lifted for the most part and for the first day I did not wake up to my nightmare of having cancer but to the hope that miracles will take hold and my battle will not be as bad as I have previously feared. Today was most definitely a good day compared to this past week. I cannot even begin to describe the number these chemicals have done on my head; either that or perhaps it was that I had finally broken down to realities and fears. I am not sure but I can only hope and pray that it will get easier.

I know that days 3, 4, and 5 after chemo it was as if I had lost connection to everything and could not feel anything except despair and sadness. I am happy today and hopeful. I am so grateful to all of you who are wishing me well and praying for me, I really believe that it is your love that is lifting me out of this dark hole. I know it may sound cheesy to some but prayers and positive energy and good thoughts towards others especially those who are suffering really do work. I know it is helping me and for that I don't even know how to begin to let you know how thankful I am.