Surgery #1 DOWN!

Surgery #1 down. I had a sentinel biopsy along with a chemo port put in. Before the sentinel biopsy they had to inject me with a radioactive dye. After a week of requesting a local or numbing agent so that it would not hurt somehow there was a miscommunication between the hospital and doctors office that scheduled it and I received no numbing medicine and gel I felt the whole thing. It hurt very badly. 4 injections of burning nuclear liquid injected in your breast is not a good time. After that I told them I was not happy and that I did not want to feel anything during the surgeries. Luckily I was passed out and did not feel a thing.  The bad news was that they had to cut out a significant portion of lymph nodes and my breast cancer went from stage 2 3-T to a stage 3. The good news is that all the lymph nodes were clumped together so hopefully the cancer hasn’t spread any further. The day after surgery wasn’t too bad pain-wise but emotionally horrible. Day 2 after was extremely painful and the day before I went into surgery I was told I had an infection so they gave me some super high powered antibiotic.  So I am full of antibiotics whatever they gave me during surgery, I have a drain hanging from tubes in my left arm and a port protruding from my right shoulder. This is not really a good time or how I wanted to spend my New Years. My spirits have been pretty low. I have been sad because I don’t understand why I am going through this. I took supplements and tried to eat healthy and exercise don’t drink don’t smoke don’t do drugs in hopes to be healthy and now this.

So I went to get my hair cut off today thinking I would get a cute Pixie Cut to help me transition into hair loss from chemo, plus I figured it would make life easier with doing my hair. When I called and made my appointment I was sure to tell them my situation about me starting chemo in a few weeks, and that I was going from really long hair which I have always had to a very short pixie and could they please give me someone experienced. My hairstylist was a hack! She had no idea what she was doing and completely butchered my hair. It looked nothing like the cute pixie cuts in the photographs I brought but instead like what a Barbie’s hair look like when you cut it. To add insult to injury several other hairstylists kept commenting on how this was such a drastic change and I can’t believe you would go from long hair to that short, until I finally snapped and said well I was never planning on going this short I was trying to make my transition easier for when I start chemo in 2 weeks and then I broke down and cried. It shut them all up but I still feel awful and my hair is hideous. I might as well shave it because I refuse to take off my chemo hat. As if reading about everything I am about to go through isn’t bad enough I just wish I could’ve had one simple thing like a cute haircut even if it is only going to be for a few weeks go right, instead of being another jolt to my already fragile system. I wish I would’ve waited until at least my wig I ordered would have gotten here, but I will already be into full chemo before it arrives. At least my husband was able to style it somewhat and make it a little better, but I am still having trouble looking in the mirror. I just keep thinking it’s just going to get worse from here.  I will be without 1 possibly 2 boobs, bald, going through early menopause and who knows what else. I’ve been trying to stay upbeat and positive but the reality is finally sinking in and I don’t want to do this. So today I am completely devastated.